Recently, I attended a fiftieth wedding anniversary party for my friend’s parents. Until I met them, I did not believe the traditional nuclear family existed in America. With all of the statistics boasting about the high rate of divorce, increase of couples with children not getting married, but living together, single parent households, and stepparent families, I must admit that my outlook on marriage had diminished.
Curiosity prompted me to ask the couple to shed some insight into the secret of their success. Surprisingly, they replied in sync, “There is no secret.” The husband went on to elaborate that “marriage is what you make it. You only get out of it what you put into it.” His answers seemed so simple, even cliché, but true. The fact of the matter is that society has taught us that we must get married. Being single is frowned upon, and often pitied. As many single women over the age of twenty-five can attest to, the pressure to find a mate is great. You cannot go to a restaurant, alone, without being asked if someone else will be joining you. Even the tables are for two or more. Once, I went solo to a movie. Although I was in a relationship, I did not have a problem going out with me, myself, and I. There was a guy sitting behind me who took it upon himself to sit next to me, and strike up a conversation. Politely, I informed him that I was not interested, and preferred he get back up and leave. Rather than going back to his original seat, he moved over enough to have one seat between us. That was fine with me.
Although I understood the concept of what the married couple said, I still wanted additional information. The question for me was, “Why do some couples work, while others falter?” The wife pulled me to the side, and explained to me the depths of their commitment. First of all, divorce was never an option. For them, the vows they took before God, friends, and family, meant they would remain together until death. Secondly, they practiced forgiveness on a daily basis. She let me know that they had survived infidelity, deaths, boredom, arguments, mistrust, and disrespect just to name a few. It was not an easy journey, but they never gave up.
The biggest difference between their relationship and the slew of divorced couples out there is the commitment to stay together. I do not believe that people go into marriage with the intent of breaking up. Sometimes, we may feel it is easier to run from problems than to face them or to trade in a mate like we do our cars. Rather than fixing the problem, we try to fix the other person. When that does not work, we claim the person just was not right for us, and go on a journey to find the perfect person who only exists in our minds.
If we focused more on the relationship, and less on the wedding, perhaps we would have fewer divorces. I heard someone say that we should have family and friends invited to the divorce hearing the same way they were invited to the wedding, because we have a lavish wedding ceremony and a quiet divorce. Life is not a soap opera. Feelings change, but commitment stays the same. Instead of settling for whom you can live with, commit yourself to the one you cannot live without.
Copywritten by Dwan Abrams
Friday, October 26, 2007
Interracial Dating (Article)
When I lived in Spokane, Washington during the early nineties, interracial relationships were not that common. Since I lived on a military base, my interactions were with various races and cultures. It was not until I went off base that I noticed separatism amongst the races. I recall a couple of instances where I went out on dates with white men to downtown restaurants, and I was the only black person in the entire establishment. Oftentimes, my date and I received icy glares or whispers as we walked bye. As a woman, I felt uncomfortable. As a black woman, I felt violated, because this is a free country. Therefore, we are able to date whomever we choose, regardless of race, nationality, color, or creed.
While dating a black man from the Seattle area, I discovered that his ex-wife was white, and he had a bi-racial daughter. Upon meeting his family, I realized that all of his brothers and nephews were in relationships with white women, and had fathered bi-racial children. To my surprise, the culture in that city was black men with white women. Whenever we visited his hometown, I noticed that trend everywhere we went. It seemed as if every child playing on the street was bi-racial.
Currently, I reside in Atlanta where interracial couples are far and few in between. Living in the south has helped me to realize that interracial couples are the exception and not the norm. Even now when a black man walks into a room with a white woman, some people stare and others whisper. It’s hard not to notice the reactions of others, because they do not try to conceal their displeasure. Since I have been in Atlanta, I have only seen three instances where a black woman was married to or dating a white man. I am convinced that people are creatures of habit, and we will adapt to our environment. Depending on where you live, and the acceptable dating pool to choose from, will determine your mating selection. I also believe that your friends influence your decisions, too. My cousin, whose mother is African, was born and raised in Atlanta, is married to a woman from Sweden. Oddly enough, all of his black male friends are either married to or dating a Swedish woman.
Copywritten by Dwan Abrams
While dating a black man from the Seattle area, I discovered that his ex-wife was white, and he had a bi-racial daughter. Upon meeting his family, I realized that all of his brothers and nephews were in relationships with white women, and had fathered bi-racial children. To my surprise, the culture in that city was black men with white women. Whenever we visited his hometown, I noticed that trend everywhere we went. It seemed as if every child playing on the street was bi-racial.
Currently, I reside in Atlanta where interracial couples are far and few in between. Living in the south has helped me to realize that interracial couples are the exception and not the norm. Even now when a black man walks into a room with a white woman, some people stare and others whisper. It’s hard not to notice the reactions of others, because they do not try to conceal their displeasure. Since I have been in Atlanta, I have only seen three instances where a black woman was married to or dating a white man. I am convinced that people are creatures of habit, and we will adapt to our environment. Depending on where you live, and the acceptable dating pool to choose from, will determine your mating selection. I also believe that your friends influence your decisions, too. My cousin, whose mother is African, was born and raised in Atlanta, is married to a woman from Sweden. Oddly enough, all of his black male friends are either married to or dating a Swedish woman.
Copywritten by Dwan Abrams
Dating as a Single Parent (Article)
Dating as a single parent is a really big deal. There are so many factors to consider. Internet dating has become popular, but is it safe? Between work and family responsibilities, finding time to meet eligible people can be a daunting task. In that case, a lot of people have found matchmaking websites quite valuable. It allows them the ability to screen potential suitors without having to leave their home. If you’re considering Internet dating, I recommend the following:
• Don’t give the potential suitor your home address – Meet him at a public place such as a restaurant. Your home is your sanctuary and should be a place of refuge for you and your children.
• Don’t give out your home telephone number, use your cell phone instead – In the event the relationship sours, you don’t have to worry about someone blowing up your home phone, and disrupting the lives of you and your children. Besides, you can always turn the ringer off your cell phone.
• Don’t let him know the location of your job – Never ever bring trouble to your place of business. If the relationship ends, you don’t want him possibly showing up at your job, causing a scene and embarrassing you.
• Don’t give him your office telephone number – Once again, use your cell phone. You don’t want to take a chance of someone harassing you on your job.
• Always tell someone that you trust where you’re going. Whenever you go out on a date, make sure someone knows where you’re going, whom you’re going with, and when to expect you to return.
When Should I Let Him Meet my Children?
Single parents are often faced with the gut wrenching decision of when to allow a suitor to meet their children. As a rule of thumb, your children should not meet anyone that you’re not seriously considering marrying.
First of all, children are impressionable. You don’t want them to become attached to someone that you’re dating only to have them disappointed when things don’t work out. As a parent, your top priority is your children. Everything you do and every decision you make you should have your children’s best interest at heart.
Secondly, what are the signs that the relationship has progressed to a level where you feel comfortable enough to let your children meet the man you’re involved with? Just because he asked you if he could meet your children is not reason enough. You need to do your homework and be as certain as you can be that this is the right thing to do for all parties concerned.
If you’re in a relationship filled with drama, don’t bring that around your children. What do I mean by drama? Did you think your relationship was monogamous, and you found out that he was cheating on you? Drama. Is he married? Drama. Does he have a substance abuse problem? Drama. Has he told you that he has a problem dating women with children? Drama. Is he emotionally or physically abusive towards you? Drama. You get the jest of what I’m saying. Your children didn’t ask to be born; therefore, it’s your responsibility to protect them. Don’t knowingly bring drama into the lives of your children.
Single parents have to be very selective about who they bring around their children. If you’re dating a nice guy and you want to take it to the next level, consider the following:
• Is he reliable? Does he do what he says he’s going to do? If you can’t depend on him to keep his word, then you don’t need to introduce your children to a flake.
• Is he impatient or short tempered? If so, he may lose his cool and become violent with your children?
• Do you trust him? Trust is a big deal. Can you trust him not to harm your children?
• Does he have any children of his own? If so, does he have custody? If not, is he active in their lives? Does he pay child support? If he has never been married and has multiple “baby mommas,” most likely he wouldn’t have any problem getting you pregnant and not marrying you either. And if he’s a deadbeat dad, you need to run and not walk to the nearest exit.
• Does he like children? Not all men like or want children. If a man can’t accept your children, then he doesn’t need to be with you. You’re a part of a package. It’s all or nothing.
Another thing, before you introduce your beau to your children, have a long discussion with him and find out his intentions. You need to know how he feels about you. Is he in love with you? Are the two of you working towards marriage? How does he feel about dating a woman with children? If he has children, does he want any more? If he doesn’t have children, is it important to him to have biological children of his own? You need to know all of this and more before involving your children in your love life.
The Decision Whether or Not to Have Sex
We all know what the Bible states about sex outside of marriage. It tells us not to fornicate or commit adultery. Sins of the flesh are particularly grievous to God because they are the most personal – they involve our bodies, our temples.
It is my heart’s desire that single parents would get their spiritual life together. Being single is a great time to become closer to God. As a parent, it’s our obligation to our children to pray from them. Our prayers for our children are stored in the storehouse of God. And because of our prayers, tithing and acts of kindness, our children receive favor from God.
Sin clouds our judgment and hinders our prayers. While you’re single I would encourage you to become involved in your local church and volunteer in your community. It’s a great opportunity to do the Lord’s work and meet interesting people in the process.
As you grow in your spiritual walk, you will find yourself convicted by the Holy Spirit every time you sin. Spiritual growth is a process, and regardless of where you are in your spiritual journey, we all have areas of our lives that need work. If we were perfect we wouldn’t need God. With that said, if you find that you’re unable or unwilling to abstain from sex until marriage, here are a few points to consider.
• Don’t sleep around. Promiscuity is immature and irresponsible. You’re a parent now, act like it.
• Practice safe sex. Never have sex without a condom. Even though condoms are not 100% effective (only abstinence is 100% effective), using some protection is better than none at all. There are so many sexually transmitted diseases that it’ll make your head spin. Don’t get caught out there and don’t be deceived. Some diseases are not curable, some cause birth defects, and others can make you sterile.
• Don’t bring your partner to your house. Go to a hotel or to his house. If that’s not possible, wait until your children are asleep before you entertain company. And he should be gone before your children get up in the morning.
Copywritten by Dwan Abrams
• Don’t give the potential suitor your home address – Meet him at a public place such as a restaurant. Your home is your sanctuary and should be a place of refuge for you and your children.
• Don’t give out your home telephone number, use your cell phone instead – In the event the relationship sours, you don’t have to worry about someone blowing up your home phone, and disrupting the lives of you and your children. Besides, you can always turn the ringer off your cell phone.
• Don’t let him know the location of your job – Never ever bring trouble to your place of business. If the relationship ends, you don’t want him possibly showing up at your job, causing a scene and embarrassing you.
• Don’t give him your office telephone number – Once again, use your cell phone. You don’t want to take a chance of someone harassing you on your job.
• Always tell someone that you trust where you’re going. Whenever you go out on a date, make sure someone knows where you’re going, whom you’re going with, and when to expect you to return.
When Should I Let Him Meet my Children?
Single parents are often faced with the gut wrenching decision of when to allow a suitor to meet their children. As a rule of thumb, your children should not meet anyone that you’re not seriously considering marrying.
First of all, children are impressionable. You don’t want them to become attached to someone that you’re dating only to have them disappointed when things don’t work out. As a parent, your top priority is your children. Everything you do and every decision you make you should have your children’s best interest at heart.
Secondly, what are the signs that the relationship has progressed to a level where you feel comfortable enough to let your children meet the man you’re involved with? Just because he asked you if he could meet your children is not reason enough. You need to do your homework and be as certain as you can be that this is the right thing to do for all parties concerned.
If you’re in a relationship filled with drama, don’t bring that around your children. What do I mean by drama? Did you think your relationship was monogamous, and you found out that he was cheating on you? Drama. Is he married? Drama. Does he have a substance abuse problem? Drama. Has he told you that he has a problem dating women with children? Drama. Is he emotionally or physically abusive towards you? Drama. You get the jest of what I’m saying. Your children didn’t ask to be born; therefore, it’s your responsibility to protect them. Don’t knowingly bring drama into the lives of your children.
Single parents have to be very selective about who they bring around their children. If you’re dating a nice guy and you want to take it to the next level, consider the following:
• Is he reliable? Does he do what he says he’s going to do? If you can’t depend on him to keep his word, then you don’t need to introduce your children to a flake.
• Is he impatient or short tempered? If so, he may lose his cool and become violent with your children?
• Do you trust him? Trust is a big deal. Can you trust him not to harm your children?
• Does he have any children of his own? If so, does he have custody? If not, is he active in their lives? Does he pay child support? If he has never been married and has multiple “baby mommas,” most likely he wouldn’t have any problem getting you pregnant and not marrying you either. And if he’s a deadbeat dad, you need to run and not walk to the nearest exit.
• Does he like children? Not all men like or want children. If a man can’t accept your children, then he doesn’t need to be with you. You’re a part of a package. It’s all or nothing.
Another thing, before you introduce your beau to your children, have a long discussion with him and find out his intentions. You need to know how he feels about you. Is he in love with you? Are the two of you working towards marriage? How does he feel about dating a woman with children? If he has children, does he want any more? If he doesn’t have children, is it important to him to have biological children of his own? You need to know all of this and more before involving your children in your love life.
The Decision Whether or Not to Have Sex
We all know what the Bible states about sex outside of marriage. It tells us not to fornicate or commit adultery. Sins of the flesh are particularly grievous to God because they are the most personal – they involve our bodies, our temples.
It is my heart’s desire that single parents would get their spiritual life together. Being single is a great time to become closer to God. As a parent, it’s our obligation to our children to pray from them. Our prayers for our children are stored in the storehouse of God. And because of our prayers, tithing and acts of kindness, our children receive favor from God.
Sin clouds our judgment and hinders our prayers. While you’re single I would encourage you to become involved in your local church and volunteer in your community. It’s a great opportunity to do the Lord’s work and meet interesting people in the process.
As you grow in your spiritual walk, you will find yourself convicted by the Holy Spirit every time you sin. Spiritual growth is a process, and regardless of where you are in your spiritual journey, we all have areas of our lives that need work. If we were perfect we wouldn’t need God. With that said, if you find that you’re unable or unwilling to abstain from sex until marriage, here are a few points to consider.
• Don’t sleep around. Promiscuity is immature and irresponsible. You’re a parent now, act like it.
• Practice safe sex. Never have sex without a condom. Even though condoms are not 100% effective (only abstinence is 100% effective), using some protection is better than none at all. There are so many sexually transmitted diseases that it’ll make your head spin. Don’t get caught out there and don’t be deceived. Some diseases are not curable, some cause birth defects, and others can make you sterile.
• Don’t bring your partner to your house. Go to a hotel or to his house. If that’s not possible, wait until your children are asleep before you entertain company. And he should be gone before your children get up in the morning.
Copywritten by Dwan Abrams
Why Women Cheat (Article)
Forbidden fruit seems so much sweeter. Cheating spouses is nothing new. However, studies have shown that the number of cheating women is nearly parallel to unfaithful men. I spoke with two women who we shall call “Sally” and “Darla” to protect their identity, regarding extramarital affairs. The question is, “Why do women cheat?”
According to Darla, she was married to a minister. Her husband focused his energy on helping the church and others. Emotionally, Darla felt neglected. Feeling lonely, and missing her husband’s affection, aided in Darla’s decision to seek companionship outside of her marriage. Although she knew that her behavior conflicted with her spiritual beliefs, she still indulged. For Darla, sex with her husband had become stale and predictable. Largely due to the emotional disconnect. Living a double life wreaked emotional havoc on her psyche. She became depressed, and extremely confused. Unable to trust her own judgment, she sent mixed messages to her husband. On the one hand, she showed him love motivated by guilt. On the other, she no longer desired his touch, which caused additional marital breakdown because of the lack of intimacy. When asked if it was worth it, Darla replied, “No. If I could do it over again, I would be far less selfish. When my husband found out about the affair, it nearly killed him. He suffered a heart attack, and was hospitalized. Now we’re divorced, and I have paid the price. I had to file for bankruptcy, lost my house, car, and friends. In order to deal with the guilt and shame, I took Prozac.”
Sally has had multiple extramarital affairs, and is the mother of three. When asked why she cheats on her husband, Sally replied, “Because I don’t love him the way a wife should love her husband.”
“Then why not divorce him,” I inquired.
“I don’t know. I have thought about it lots of times, but I don’t want to leave him without having someone better to go to.” Her eyes watery, she continued, “My marital relationship is volatile at times. When we fight, we yell, throw things, and sometimes it gets physical. I have a lot of built up resentments toward him, and it’s hard for me to respect him.”
“It sounds to me like you have fallen out of love with him. Is that true?”
“My feelings have changed, and I don’t love him like I used to.”
“Does your husband know that he is loving on borrowed time?”
“No.” She laughed.
“Do you regret cheating on your husband?"
“I know it’s not right, but it helps me cope. It’s an outlet.”
“Have you considered marriage counseling?”
“I have, but he won’t go. He says that it’s a waste of time and money.”
“What about talking to your clergyman?”
“We did that before we got married, and it helped for a little while. Then he went back to his usual ways.”
“Seeing fault with someone else is easy. Looking within and finding a flaw with our own character is difficult. Would you consider seeking individual counseling instead?”
“I never thought about it.”
“I’ve heard lots of therapists say that change comes from within. We can’t change anyone but ourselves. Perhaps you should do a self evaluation to find out why your response to a bad relationship is to cheat.”
Crying, she said, “It’s the coward’s way of dealing with a situation. It doesn’t solve the problem, but it gives you temporary relief. I will go to counseling, because this is a pattern that I’ve been dealing with for years. It’s time for a change.”
After speaking with Sally and Darla, I had a better understanding of “Why women cheat.” I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I am a woman. The common thread between both women was pain. They were each involved in dysfunctional relationships that took an emotional toll on them. Feeling helpless, they sought refuge in the arms of other men. There is no one reason as to why women cheat. The reasons vary from woman to woman. Some women cheat for emotional support, others for money, and some for sex. Whatever the reason, it’s a problem. In order to deal with unfaithfulness, the cheater must want to reform. If not, there won’t be a change. Don’t wait until you get caught to straighten up. If you love the person you’re with, you owe it to them and to yourself, to be faithful. Infidelity destroys families, and has cost people their lives and livelihood. If you’re unhappy, look within for the answers. If that does not suffice, seek professional help. You’re a lot stronger than you think you are, and you don’t have to depend on someone else for your survival. Even if you need to go back to school to further your education in hopes of getting a better job, and increasing your earning potential. The bottom line is that you are where you are today because of the choices you made yesterday. Henceforth, choose wisely.
Copywritten by Dwan Abrams
According to Darla, she was married to a minister. Her husband focused his energy on helping the church and others. Emotionally, Darla felt neglected. Feeling lonely, and missing her husband’s affection, aided in Darla’s decision to seek companionship outside of her marriage. Although she knew that her behavior conflicted with her spiritual beliefs, she still indulged. For Darla, sex with her husband had become stale and predictable. Largely due to the emotional disconnect. Living a double life wreaked emotional havoc on her psyche. She became depressed, and extremely confused. Unable to trust her own judgment, she sent mixed messages to her husband. On the one hand, she showed him love motivated by guilt. On the other, she no longer desired his touch, which caused additional marital breakdown because of the lack of intimacy. When asked if it was worth it, Darla replied, “No. If I could do it over again, I would be far less selfish. When my husband found out about the affair, it nearly killed him. He suffered a heart attack, and was hospitalized. Now we’re divorced, and I have paid the price. I had to file for bankruptcy, lost my house, car, and friends. In order to deal with the guilt and shame, I took Prozac.”
Sally has had multiple extramarital affairs, and is the mother of three. When asked why she cheats on her husband, Sally replied, “Because I don’t love him the way a wife should love her husband.”
“Then why not divorce him,” I inquired.
“I don’t know. I have thought about it lots of times, but I don’t want to leave him without having someone better to go to.” Her eyes watery, she continued, “My marital relationship is volatile at times. When we fight, we yell, throw things, and sometimes it gets physical. I have a lot of built up resentments toward him, and it’s hard for me to respect him.”
“It sounds to me like you have fallen out of love with him. Is that true?”
“My feelings have changed, and I don’t love him like I used to.”
“Does your husband know that he is loving on borrowed time?”
“No.” She laughed.
“Do you regret cheating on your husband?"
“I know it’s not right, but it helps me cope. It’s an outlet.”
“Have you considered marriage counseling?”
“I have, but he won’t go. He says that it’s a waste of time and money.”
“What about talking to your clergyman?”
“We did that before we got married, and it helped for a little while. Then he went back to his usual ways.”
“Seeing fault with someone else is easy. Looking within and finding a flaw with our own character is difficult. Would you consider seeking individual counseling instead?”
“I never thought about it.”
“I’ve heard lots of therapists say that change comes from within. We can’t change anyone but ourselves. Perhaps you should do a self evaluation to find out why your response to a bad relationship is to cheat.”
Crying, she said, “It’s the coward’s way of dealing with a situation. It doesn’t solve the problem, but it gives you temporary relief. I will go to counseling, because this is a pattern that I’ve been dealing with for years. It’s time for a change.”
After speaking with Sally and Darla, I had a better understanding of “Why women cheat.” I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I am a woman. The common thread between both women was pain. They were each involved in dysfunctional relationships that took an emotional toll on them. Feeling helpless, they sought refuge in the arms of other men. There is no one reason as to why women cheat. The reasons vary from woman to woman. Some women cheat for emotional support, others for money, and some for sex. Whatever the reason, it’s a problem. In order to deal with unfaithfulness, the cheater must want to reform. If not, there won’t be a change. Don’t wait until you get caught to straighten up. If you love the person you’re with, you owe it to them and to yourself, to be faithful. Infidelity destroys families, and has cost people their lives and livelihood. If you’re unhappy, look within for the answers. If that does not suffice, seek professional help. You’re a lot stronger than you think you are, and you don’t have to depend on someone else for your survival. Even if you need to go back to school to further your education in hopes of getting a better job, and increasing your earning potential. The bottom line is that you are where you are today because of the choices you made yesterday. Henceforth, choose wisely.
Copywritten by Dwan Abrams
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I Won An Award
I'm feeling so good right about now! I just received news that my novel, Only True Love Waits, won the 2007 Pen of the Writer POWER Award for Best Fiction. This means so much to me. It's my first writing award!
Only True Love Waits is my second novel, and I really enjoyed writing it. The storyline was a lot of fun with an unexpected plot twist. Even for me.
Writing is not only my profession; it's my passion. To actually win an award is just icing on the cake. Having readers enjoy my work, that is the cake, and it's awesome. I'm so grateful. I'm feeling so emotional; I want to cry. Tears of joy, of course.
Only True Love Waits is my second novel, and I really enjoyed writing it. The storyline was a lot of fun with an unexpected plot twist. Even for me.
Writing is not only my profession; it's my passion. To actually win an award is just icing on the cake. Having readers enjoy my work, that is the cake, and it's awesome. I'm so grateful. I'm feeling so emotional; I want to cry. Tears of joy, of course.
Divorcing the Devil Synopsis
Synopsis: For Skyler Little, it's not easy being a psychoanalyst and a Christian. Sometimes it's hard not getting drawn into her patients' personal lives filled with adultery, abuse and turmoil. Yet, she remains steadfast in providing them with the best in Christian counseling. She even counsels her friend, Gabriella, who has just learned that her husband is cheating on her.
But when Skyler learns whom Gabriella's husband is cheating on her with, things start to spiral out of control, and she is now caught in the middle. Can Skyler get herself out of this situation, or can anyone be spared when you try to divorce the devil?
Divorcing the Devil Excerpt
Skyler
I feel so good this morning, like a kitten after someone has scratched under his chin and given him a bowl of chilled milk. My body tingles as I think about the night of passion my husband Donovan and I shared. I love watching him sleep. The way the satin cover drapes over his trim waist, exposing just a hint of his toned thighs. Dreadlocks scattered in different directions over the pillow. Skin the color of pecans. He's sexy with a capital "S."
Donovan opened his chestnut brown eyes and yawned. Rubbing the stubble on his chin, he cooed, "Good morning, baby."
I love his Jamaican accent. I gave him a naughty smile, letting him know I was very pleased with last night's performance.
"Good morning yourself. Sleep well?" I kissed him on the lips and caressed his muscular chest.
"Like a bear in hibernation." He stretched and yawned. "You got any appointments today?"
It was Monday morning and I had two clients who had regular appointments with me every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Their times changed depending on their schedules, but the days remained the same. I rolled over and glanced at the clock. It read 7:30 a.m.
"I actually have one at nine o'clock."
"Too bad. I was hoping we could continue where we left off." He wrapped his arms around me.
"Later."
I kissed him again and freed myself from his embrace. I stretched my arms and legs before placing my bare feet on the cold, hardwood floor. I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth before stepping into a hot shower. The pulsating water kneaded against my flesh like a million little fingers. It felt so good; I didn't want to get out. That's exactly what I needed to wake up because there was something about Monday mornings that made getting out of bed more difficult. Especially since Sundays typically consisted of Donovan and I going to mid-morning worship service and brunch immediately afterward.
My eyes were closed as I tilted my head back and allowed the water to dance against my neck. Then I heard the glass shower door open. A sudden surge of cold air clung to my body like the plastic sweat suits people wore in the eighties for rapid weight loss.
"Hey," I said as I opened my eyes and turned my head in the same direction as the breeze.
Donovan stepped into the shower. Rather than complaining about the sweltering water as he usually did, he turned the knob to a cooler temperature. I didn't say anything. I could tell he was feeling amorous by the way he touched me. Ordinarily, I would never leave my husband in such a state, but I had an appointment. I had to go. As a psychoanalyst, I realize the male ego is fragile. This situation needed to be handled with tender loving care.
I turned to face him. "Donovan, I would like nothing better than to spend the entire day in your arms."
The water began to mist on his wheat colored dreadlocks. I looked at his six-pack and lost my train of thought. If I leave this fine man alone, I'll be the one needing a therapist, I thought. I quickly reeled myself back in, reminding myself that my patients depend on me. Being responsible wasn't an option. It was a job requirement.
So I said, "I'll be home early. We can have a romantic dinner and pick up where we left off."
A romantic dinner for us meant sitting down at the same time and eating food that wasn't take-out or delivery.
He pursed his lips, pretended to pout, and said, "What's your definition of early?"
"No later than six o'clock."
"I'm gonna hold you to it," he pointed sternly.
I smiled, grabbed my towel and stepped out of the shower. Donovan remained behind. I stayed in the bathroom while I put light makeup on my tawny colored skin, smeared gloss on my thin lips and pulled my long, jet black hair into a tight bun. I usually blow dry my hair straight, but today I left it in its naturally curly state.
While studying my reflection in the mirror, I noticed that my sharp features and high cheekbones looked more European than black. Donovan says I look like Mariah Carey. Like most women though, I could point out numerous things about my appearance that I'd love to change; my lips are one. I think they're too thin. I'd love to have those full, luscious lips like Angelina Jolie.
Donovan finished showering and started shaving. I went into the Victorian style bedroom and put on sexy lingerie underneath my black silk crepe de chine flapper dress with ecru collar and cuffs and completed the ensemble with a pearl necklace. I usually wear lingerie underneath my work attire because it makes me feel sexy. Reminds me not to take myself too seriously and enjoy life. And the fact that Donovan loved it didn't hurt either.
I returned to the bathroom just as Donovan was spitting his mouthwash into the sink. He dried his mouth with a hand towel.
"You look too good to leave the house," Donovan said, smiling, revealing beautiful white teeth.
I couldn't stop the blush. After three years of marriage, he still had a way of making me feel giddy.
"Thanks." I kissed him on the lips. His breath was cool and smelled like mint. "Have a good day."
"You too. And what time are you going to be home again?"
Our eyes connected. He reminded me because he knew that my schedule was erratic.
"By six." I reiterated my point by holding up six fingers.
I walked downstairs into the family room where my designer all-in-one briefcase handbag purse waited for me at the door like a puppy needing to go out. I picked it up, along with my keys, and left.
While driving in my BMW 325 along Peachtree Street in Atlanta, I noticed the brilliance of the sky. It reminded me of a day when I was around five or six years old, and I asked my dad why the sky was blue. He replied, "A clear sky on a sunny day appears blue because of Rayleigh scattering of the light from the sun." My dad had a Ph.D. and was a rocket scientist. Those types of answers weren't uncommon coming from him.
I realized at an early age that I liked smart men, and I wanted to be smart. My dad and I would read the newspaper together and discuss current events. He would tell me that there was nothing more attractive than a beautiful woman with brains. That stuck with me. I studied hard and graduated from high school when I was fourteen years old. Without taking a break, I went straight to college at my mom's Alma Mater.
After graduating from New York University, I attended NYU School of Medicine. Then I enrolled in NYU Psychoanalytic Institute. I decided to become a psychoanalyst because the human mind fascinated me. I liked thinking outside of the proverbial box and helping people. It gave me a sense of accomplishment. I felt as if my life had purpose, meaning.
Donovan and I met four years ago while we were both living in New York. I was twenty-eight and he was thirty. I was working as an Assistant Clinical Professor at NYU. We were at a Jewish deli located on Second Avenue in East Village. While we were waiting for our lunch orders, we struck up casual conversation and ended up sitting together at one of the plain white tables lining the wall. Donovan told me that his family had migrated from Jamaica to New York during the Jamaican slave trade. He had a Ph.D. and worked as a Product Development Chemist. I was immediately attracted to him, because it's true, women are attracted men who remind them of their fathers. Since I held my father in high esteem, my standards for a mate were equally as lofty.
Donovan's family lived in New York, and I had met his parents, four brothers, three sisters and a slew of nieces and nephews. I loved his family. Donovan was the youngest child and didn't have any children from his previous relationships. As an only child, I always dreamed of having a big family. His family "adopted" me, and I adored them. It warmed my heart to hear his nieces and nephews refer to me as aunty.
Donovan and I had been dating for six months before I took him home to Boca Raton, Florida to meet my parents. Donovan insisted on meeting my parents because he said he wanted to marry me. We went to visit my parents during the Christmas holidays. My dad had retired from NASA and my mom owned a dance studio. He was the only guy I had ever taken home because I had devoted so much of my time studying, thus Donovan was the first serious relationship I ever had.
When my parents met Donovan, they too fell in love with him. I knew Donovan would end up being my husband when my dad told me I had a good guy on my hands. We got married in Florida at my parents' church. Not long afterward, Donovan and I relocated from New York to Atlanta, because Donovan got a job at Coca Cola.
I arrived at my office fifteen minutes early and Yahkie, my assistant, greeted me. My stomach was grumbling, and I was famished. I wished I had grabbed a bagel or something.
"Good morning, boss lady," Yahkie said sounding chipper, handing me a cup of freshly brewed coffee. "Just the way you like it. Black with two sugars. I left you a Chick-fil-A chicken biscuit on your desk, too."
I couldn't help but smile.
"How did you know I'd be hungry?" I tried to play it off.
"Are you kidding me? You're always hungry, but you hate to cook breakfast. You don't like to wake up early. You'd rather spend your time sleeping or getting to know your fine husband in the biblical sense. You know I know you."
I couldn't resist laughing. Yahkie had been my assistant since I started my practice two years ago. I'll never forget the way he came into my office for his interview. It was summertime and he wore a blue and white seersucker suit. He looked chic. Even though he tried to tone down his flamboyant ways for the interview, I could tell he would let loose once given the opportunity. He was, and still is, the most fashionable man I've ever met. His appearance is meticulous. From his neatly cut hair to his pedicured fingers, he's a vision of togetherness. Even beyond the physical, he's highly organized and takes the initiative. I was impressed with him the first day we met and he's exceeded my expectations.
"Thanks for breakfast. I'll try to finish in time for my nine o'clock," I promised as I walked into my suite. A wooden bookcase lined with hardcover books ranging from the Greek Classics to textbooks to self-help greeted me when I entered.
I placed my mug on top of my oak desk and slid my case underneath. Then I sat down on a soft, black leather, high back chair and ate. The breakfast sandwich hit the spot. I dabbed the corners of my mouth and checked my Omega. The time was 9:28. A couple of minutes later my intercom buzzed. It was Yahkie telling me that my new patient, Monday Jackson, had arrived. I was glad she showed up on time because late arrivals threw off my schedule. I dumped my trash in the receptacle located on the side of my desk and told him to send her in.
I walked from behind my desk and extended my hand to her. "Monday, I'm Dr. Skyler Little. It's a pleasure to meet you."
We gave each other a firm handshake. She flashed a smile that revealed tiny teeth that looked like Chiclets. She appeared to be at least five foot six and weighed about 250 pounds. Although she was portly, she carried herself well. She wore a yellow shirt, black slacks and black high heels. And her makeup was flawless.
"Nice to meet you, too," she replied.
I offered her a seat on the gray sofa as I sat next to her on a chaise decorated with a black and beige African design motif. The various animal prints, such as: cheetah, leopard and zebra, covering several chairs around my office revealed that my personality type is Sanguine.
I told her that I preferred to record all of my sessions so that I could refer back to them if necessary. I assured her the tapes were for my personal use and wouldn't be shared with anyone without her permission or a court order. Then I explained that I begin and end every session with prayer. She informed me that she attended church regularly and was perfectly fine with us praying together. So we proceeded.
We bowed our heads and closed our eyes as I prayed aloud.
"Heavenly Father, thank you for this day. I pray that you be with us during this meeting. Lord, use me as a vessel for the upbuilding of your Kingdom. It is my humble prayer that I decrease so that you may increase. Let the meditations of my heart be pleasing and acceptable in your sight. Remove any obstacle that could hinder me from being an effective witness for you. Forgive us for our sins of omission and commission. In Jesus' name, we pray, Amen." Then I asked, "So, what brings you here today?"
She pointed at a 5x7 framed photo sitting on the corner of my desk and asked if the people in the picture were my husband and me. I glanced at the photo even though it was the only one displayed and told her we took it last year when we went to Jamaica for vacation.
"Nice. Is that where you're from?"
I was taken aback by her question because no one had ever asked me that before.
"Not me, my husband," I explained.
She nodded her head and smiled. "You make a lovely couple."
"Thanks." I asked her again to tell me why she came to see me. I wondered why she kept avoiding the question.
"May I call you Sky?" She shifted in her seat.
"Sure, whatever works for you. Lots of people call me that."
"Sky, I have a problem." She crossed her right leg over her left which made her legs seem as long as stilts. "My boyfriend suggested I talk to someone because he can't seem to help me."
I acknowledged by nodding my head.
"I don't know where to begin."
I explained to her that counseling sessions were a process and that we weren't going to resolve her issues in one meeting. I asked her to tell me about her childhood, her parents.
"My family," she sighed, "is complicated. My mom and dad were married until I was five. After they divorced, I never saw my dad again."
"Before we continue," I said, "would you please tell me the names of your parents so that I won't have to keep referring to them as your mother and father?"
"Sure. Paige and Stan."
"Thanks. Please continue."
Monday told me that Paige and Stan's marriage began to deteriorate due to infidelity. She said they argued a lot. It wasn't until after Paige accused Stan of child molestation that they divorced.
"Did Stan molest you?" I rubbed the back of my neck with my right hand, indicating this wasn't easy for me to listen to. Every time one of my patients revealed she had been molested, I could feel tension creeping its way into my neck like a cheating husband trying to slip into his marital bed undetected after he's been with his lover. I maintained my professional composure even though deep inside, I felt angry. Children are innocent. The thought of someone violating them infuriated me. I fought back revealing my disgust.
Monday uncrossed her legs. "Yes. He used to fondle me and actually penetrated me when I was…five." Her eyes welled with tears. I offered her a box of Kleenex. She pulled a couple of tissues out of the box and dabbed the corners of her sparkling eyes. "My mom flipped out when she found out," she continued. "Burned him on the arm with an iron. Threw him out of the house and then reported him to child services."
I rubbed my arm. I empathized with how painful it must've felt getting burned with an iron. I never advocate or condone violence, but I could understand how a mother could be driven to such drastic behavior due to the love of her child. Then I asked, "Did he go to jail?"
"Yes. A social worker conducted an investigation, and I had to see a child psychiatrist."
"I see."
Not long afterward, the timer went off, notifying us our session had ended. There was so much more I wanted to say, but I told her we'd resume the conversation at our next appointment. We prayed, and she left.
I checked my inspirational desk calendar and noticed that I had a few minutes before my next appointment, so I called Donovan on his cell phone. As soon as he said "'Ello," I puckered my lips and blew a short series of kisses into the receiver. Then I hung up. We called those "drive-bys." We did a drive-by whenever one of us was thinking about the other but didn't have enough time for a drawn out conversation. It was an alternative to saying "I love you."
I had to purge my mind so that I could mentally prepare for my upcoming meeting with Ambrosia. Ambrosia had been my patient for the past six months. Her father died when she was little, and her mother never remarried. When I met Ambrosia, she was in a relationship with a married man, and they had two children together. Her relationship had soured, and she needed someone to talk to. She came to see me because she figured I would listen without judging her.
Yahkie came barging into my office, interrupting my thoughts like he was a policeman making a drug bust before the suspects could get away.
"Boss lady." He closed the door behind him, arms flailing in the air. "Ambrosia is in the lobby, and she looks a hot mess. She looks like she's been fighting with Iron Mike Tyson of old and lost. Bruises everywhere. Got on shades. I bet she got a black eye."
My heart raced and I dipped my head in thought. I felt nervous. "Bring her back."
Yahkie left my office. My mind was on emotional overload. I wrung my hands, paced the floor. As a professional, I knew better than to get personally involved in the lives of my clients, but as a person, I couldn't help but care. When Ambrosia entered, I stopped pacing. Seeing her in that condition made my stomach drop, the same way I feel whenever I ride a roller coaster ride at Six Flags and don't hold my breath. The Jackie O. type shades she wore covered half her oval shaped face and were in direct contrast with her milky white skin. I didn't bother to ask her to take them off, even though I could see blotchy red spots on her cheeks and that her bottom lip was swollen. The thought of what hid behind those glasses scared me. I didn't want to see because I knew I'd get more upset than I already was. I took a deep breath. She closed the door behind her. I exhaled.
"What happened?" I asked.
Silence.
I walked over to Ambrosia and wrapped my arms around her. Even though I'm five foot six, athletic and have an "apple bottom," as Donovan would say, standing next to Ambrosia's shapely but petite self, I felt like an Amazon. She clung to me the way a baby Black Howler Monkey clings to its mother's fur. She sobbed on my shoulder so hard her body shook. I closed my eyes and told her to let it out. As she continued to cry, I silently prayed for her. I stroked her highlighted auburn hair. She didn't have to tell me what was wrong because experience had taught me it had something to do with her babies' daddy.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Bookstores Are The WORST Place to Sell Your Book
An interesting and eye-opening article (especially for new authors) that was passed along by Urban Christian's managing editor.
Book Marketing 101 – Bookstores Are The WORST Place to Sell Your Book!
How many times when you dreamed of readers finding your book did your dreams center around them finding it in a "brick-and-mortar" bookstore? Chances are, most of the time… This is the fantasy the leads too many authors to the endless pain of the author-agent-publisher rejection cycle. And, it rarely sells any significant amount of books.
The realities of bookstore sales are frightening – far more books fail courtesy of bookstores than succeed. Consider these facts:
Returns rates exceed 70% in many categories – that means bookstores send back 7 out of every 10 books they buy. YOU the author bear the biggest brunt of the pain of returns. The publisher has other books they can rely on – you, however, have seen your dream destroyed.
Bookstores buy very few copies on a story-by-store basis, and they typically only merchandise the books that have big marketing dollars behind them. Unless you can afford a multimillion-dollar marketing campaign, it is highly unlikely that your book will be stacked anywhere a potential buyer can find it (let alone in the front of the store.)
Author signing events typically sell only about 7 books – all your scheduling, time, calling stores to set up events – results in selling 7 books…
Bookstores take up to 90 days to pay for your books – and to mitigate what they owe you they will quite often return your remaining stock WITHIN the 90 days. Retail outlets typically command very large discounts (but then so do online retailers in many cases…)
The typical retail buyer is not a destination purchaser, but a browser (most readers who know what they want go to the online retail sites). A reader in search of a book can be a GREAT customer. But when you are shelved next to all the other books in your particular category, your competition stands as good a chance at getting bought as you do… and if you are stocked near a well-known author, most buyers will bypass your book to pick up the well-known name.
Now that you've had all the "good" news – here is an interesting fact:
Over half the books sold in the publishing industry are sold through NON-bookstore vehicles. That means that more books are sold in other places than bookstores- and your book is likely to be most successful through these outlets. And online sales – driven by a targeted, effective, and comprehensive marketing plan – will be the cornerstone of your book's success.
Authors spend a lot of time and money chasing the improbable, when the "golden egg" of self-publishing and self-promotion is right in front of them. In my opinion, I'd sell my books everywhere except the brick and mortar bookstore!
Utilizing the tools that make the internet the powerhouse it is today will build sales that you never dreamed were possible. Search Marketing, blogs, newsletters, email campaigns, web sites, and your personal appearances (yes, the human touch still has meaning in book sales) are the new tools for building great book sales.
As always - if you like this information (and found it helpful) please feel free to post it on your site, put it in a blog, toss it in your newsletter, or in general spread it around. Please just give us credit here at www.dogearpublishing.net. If you have any questions or comments - please write us at AuthorResources@dogearpublishing.net
Book Marketing 101 – Bookstores Are The WORST Place to Sell Your Book!
How many times when you dreamed of readers finding your book did your dreams center around them finding it in a "brick-and-mortar" bookstore? Chances are, most of the time… This is the fantasy the leads too many authors to the endless pain of the author-agent-publisher rejection cycle. And, it rarely sells any significant amount of books.
The realities of bookstore sales are frightening – far more books fail courtesy of bookstores than succeed. Consider these facts:
Returns rates exceed 70% in many categories – that means bookstores send back 7 out of every 10 books they buy. YOU the author bear the biggest brunt of the pain of returns. The publisher has other books they can rely on – you, however, have seen your dream destroyed.
Bookstores buy very few copies on a story-by-store basis, and they typically only merchandise the books that have big marketing dollars behind them. Unless you can afford a multimillion-dollar marketing campaign, it is highly unlikely that your book will be stacked anywhere a potential buyer can find it (let alone in the front of the store.)
Author signing events typically sell only about 7 books – all your scheduling, time, calling stores to set up events – results in selling 7 books…
Bookstores take up to 90 days to pay for your books – and to mitigate what they owe you they will quite often return your remaining stock WITHIN the 90 days. Retail outlets typically command very large discounts (but then so do online retailers in many cases…)
The typical retail buyer is not a destination purchaser, but a browser (most readers who know what they want go to the online retail sites). A reader in search of a book can be a GREAT customer. But when you are shelved next to all the other books in your particular category, your competition stands as good a chance at getting bought as you do… and if you are stocked near a well-known author, most buyers will bypass your book to pick up the well-known name.
Now that you've had all the "good" news – here is an interesting fact:
Over half the books sold in the publishing industry are sold through NON-bookstore vehicles. That means that more books are sold in other places than bookstores- and your book is likely to be most successful through these outlets. And online sales – driven by a targeted, effective, and comprehensive marketing plan – will be the cornerstone of your book's success.
Authors spend a lot of time and money chasing the improbable, when the "golden egg" of self-publishing and self-promotion is right in front of them. In my opinion, I'd sell my books everywhere except the brick and mortar bookstore!
Utilizing the tools that make the internet the powerhouse it is today will build sales that you never dreamed were possible. Search Marketing, blogs, newsletters, email campaigns, web sites, and your personal appearances (yes, the human touch still has meaning in book sales) are the new tools for building great book sales.
As always - if you like this information (and found it helpful) please feel free to post it on your site, put it in a blog, toss it in your newsletter, or in general spread it around. Please just give us credit here at www.dogearpublishing.net. If you have any questions or comments - please write us at AuthorResources@dogearpublishing.net
The Ultimate Author!
A few months ago I received an email from one of my writer's groups regarding a casting call for The Ultimate Author. It's a reality show and the first of its kind. I was curious, so I packed my bags and took a trip to Ft. Lauderdale. I rode for six hours and drove three. Since I love going to the beach, I figured that regardless of how things turned out, at least I got a mini-vacation in the process.
When I arrived for the audition I was a little nervous. The people associated with the show were so friendly and professional that my anxiety immediately subsided. As you would expect, all sorts of people were auditioning. I met an author from New York who spent his days peddling his books on street corners. There was a young lady with blue hair, blue eyeshadow and a T-shirt that promoted her and her web sites. It was a great marketing strategy, because she was truly unforgettable. Especially since she said her writing was better than Zane's.
Anyway, the first part of the screening process was a grammar and spelling test. After that came an onscreen reading and interview. The final stage was a one hour writing test where the contestants were given a genre and characters. From that we had to write a chapter.
I don't think I mentioned that cameras were recording us throughout. Well, they were. It was a lot of fun. And guess what? I was selected as a contestant! I was in Ft. Lauderdale from August 4-12 taping episodes for The Ultimate Author!
When I arrived for the audition I was a little nervous. The people associated with the show were so friendly and professional that my anxiety immediately subsided. As you would expect, all sorts of people were auditioning. I met an author from New York who spent his days peddling his books on street corners. There was a young lady with blue hair, blue eyeshadow and a T-shirt that promoted her and her web sites. It was a great marketing strategy, because she was truly unforgettable. Especially since she said her writing was better than Zane's.
Anyway, the first part of the screening process was a grammar and spelling test. After that came an onscreen reading and interview. The final stage was a one hour writing test where the contestants were given a genre and characters. From that we had to write a chapter.
I don't think I mentioned that cameras were recording us throughout. Well, they were. It was a lot of fun. And guess what? I was selected as a contestant! I was in Ft. Lauderdale from August 4-12 taping episodes for The Ultimate Author!
I'm a Groupie
For the past few years, I've regularly attended For Sister's Only (FSO) in Atlanta. I usually wait until the last minute to purchase my ticket, because I don't like to commit to doing things too far in advance. It just seems like whenever I make plans too early, something comes up.
Anyway, FSO usually has some great authors in attendance; however, this year was exceptional. I met Stephanie Perry Moore, Joy King, and Vanessa Davis Griggs to name a few. Now, I fully understand what it means to be a groupie. Well, maybie not a bonafide groupie, but let me explain.
The first time I met Eric Jerome Dickey, I was in awe of him. That was when he had a book signing at the Margaret Mitchell House. I didn't think another author could have that effect on me... until, I met Marissa Monteilh at FSO. Let me tell you, I felt like I was in the presence of a rock star. The sistah was absolutely beautiful, and I'm not just talking about her appearance either. Her positive, bubbling over energy was infectious. When I tell you that I absolutely love her, I'm not kidding. I didn't want to part company. By the time I did leave, I purchased three of her books just because. One because I enjoy reading her work, and two simply because I had never connected with another author on such a level. It was like sistah-girlfriend to the nth degree. To use Marissa's description of our encounter, "It was like a smile out loud experience." I was delighted to learn that she now lives in Atlanta. Hooray! I'm so looking forward to having lunch with her.
Have you ever met an author, or other high profile individual who made you feel that way?
Anyway, FSO usually has some great authors in attendance; however, this year was exceptional. I met Stephanie Perry Moore, Joy King, and Vanessa Davis Griggs to name a few. Now, I fully understand what it means to be a groupie. Well, maybie not a bonafide groupie, but let me explain.
The first time I met Eric Jerome Dickey, I was in awe of him. That was when he had a book signing at the Margaret Mitchell House. I didn't think another author could have that effect on me... until, I met Marissa Monteilh at FSO. Let me tell you, I felt like I was in the presence of a rock star. The sistah was absolutely beautiful, and I'm not just talking about her appearance either. Her positive, bubbling over energy was infectious. When I tell you that I absolutely love her, I'm not kidding. I didn't want to part company. By the time I did leave, I purchased three of her books just because. One because I enjoy reading her work, and two simply because I had never connected with another author on such a level. It was like sistah-girlfriend to the nth degree. To use Marissa's description of our encounter, "It was like a smile out loud experience." I was delighted to learn that she now lives in Atlanta. Hooray! I'm so looking forward to having lunch with her.
Have you ever met an author, or other high profile individual who made you feel that way?
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