Finding true love, as I delved into ONLY TRUE LOVE WAITS, is far from an easy road. Men, in fact people, are not always what they appear to be. What is a single woman to do? Having been there, done that, dating coach and author of THE AUTOMATIC 2nd DATE, Victorya Michaels Rogers has the answers and has set out to take the anxiety and fear out of dating for single ladies on their journey to their true love that waits. Here are her answers to some dating questions I posed to her:
DWAN: Victorya, how can one back on the dating scene after a long absence adopt a hopeful attitude?
VICTORYA: Before you jump back into the world of dating allow yourself time to heal and reflect on where you’ve been. What was missing in your past love life? This is your season to really make it all about you. Love yourself first and deliberately pursue the life you always wanted! If you’re a single mom, obviously you need to seriously consider the needs of your children. But you also have to take care of you and come up with what you really want in a relationship before you start dating again. If you don’t know what you want then you’ll just date whoever takes notice and most likely that is was your problem in the past. You are valuable deserve to have a great relationship. But you have to believe that and know to recognize him when is comes along!
DWAN: You say every woman has an internal “Male GPS.” What is it and how do we use it?
VICTORYA: Available men are everywhere -- at the drive-thru, at work, at school, at church, at restaurants, at the mall, the gas station, sporting events, etc. You just have to know what you’re looking for and believe he exists. The Male GPS –male global positioning satellite—is in your mind. Your mind is an extremely power instrument that is always working and wants to be right! We are just bombarded with so much constant information we have to focus to notice anything. When you think about something enough, amazingly it seems to begin appearing everywhere you go. Let’s talk cars as an example. If you want that new blue Honda SUV, of course you believe it exists, and it’s on your mind, so it suddenly stands out every time one drives by. Just like thinking of your next car, think about what kind of guy you want.
The key to finding your next 1st date begins with your mind. You can instantly turn on your internal MALE GPS by figuring out specifically what you’re looking for in a guy, visualizing a man with those traits and believing he exists.
DWAN: In Automatic 2nd Date you list many unique places to meet men. Tell us a few.
VICTORYA: I advise skipping bars and clubs and just plunging yourself into the social world around you—be it at your church, country club, charity, or a special-interest group at your community center. As you interact with more and more people, you will automatically find yourself around — and introduced to — available men.
DWAN: You say the three-second flirt is a great way to get noticed. How does it work?
VICTORYA: FLIRT with him! Find someone who catches your eye? I have a lot of dating tips in The Automatic 2nd Date. One of them is to make sure you catch his eye. Eye contact is huge! Next time you’re in a “target rich environment” of potential dates, slowly scan the room with calm, soft eyes, resting your eyes briefly on any man who captures your attention, and then casually glance for a bare ring finger. If the finger is bare, lock into a gaze for your three-second flirt... Add a slight smile or grin, and then casually look away. You can repeat it several times to get your point across if you’d like. Just be aware that any longer than a 5 second glance at a time borders on creepy. And you don’t want that.
DWAN: What’s wrong with accepting last minute dates?
VICTORYA: The first 2 dates are when you establish how you expect to be treated without telling him how you want to be treated! If he calls you at the last minute, say something like “I’d love to, but I’ve just got something else going. How about a rain check?” I don’t care if you’re home doing your laundry. He doesn’t need to know. You’re just not available at the last minute. By this, you’re establishing that you’re worth calling early and you’re worth paying money for a date (even if they’re only buying you coffee). They’re making an effort to spend money on you, because they want to spend quality time with you.”
DWAN: What are some definite “Do’s” to keep in mind on first dates?
VICTORYA: Here are my five top “Do’s”: 1) Look your best, 2) Put your best self forward, 3) laugh with him, 4) flatter him, look at him, and especially 6) listen to him. I always recommend asking your date a lot of questions about him then truly listening to his answers. He is his own favorite subject, so he’ll be sure to have a great time and besides you WANT the information he reveals so you can figure out if you two are a match long before you are emotionally involved.
DWAN: Are there any definite “First Date Don’ts” to ensure a 2nd date?
VICTORYA: Oh my, there are definitely some First Date Don’ts! 1st dates are about holding back. Use RESTAINT and self- control across the board if you want your first date to become a 2nd date. That goes for whatever you say and whatever you do. Here are my top 7 Don’ts for First Dates.
--Don’t dress sleazy
--Don’t talk too much
--Don’t go off on past relationships
--Don’t reveal hatred for the male species
--Don’t expose enormous debt
--Don’t tell him he’s THE ONE
--Don’t put out on that first date!
DWAN: How does buying your man gifts hurt your relationship without you knowing it?
VICTORYA: Buying your man expensive gifts puts pressure on him, especially on Valentine’s Day. You want your man to feel like the pursuer, not the chased! Make any gift you give him more about the thought than the price tag and never out give your man. If he can’t afford to reciprocate he’ll feel he’s not good enough for you and leave. If he can reciprocate but doesn’t want to, he’ll feel pressured and leave. It’s a no win situation. So before marriage, think thoughtful and little in regards to gift giving and offer lots of gushy thanks when he gives YOU gifts.
DWAN: Do you have a website or blog with any of these tips for our audience to check out?
VICTORYA: Yes, my website has a lot of additional tips and advice for single moms! Check it out-- it’s www.mantokeep.com. You can also order my books learn about my coaching program. I hope I have encouraged you and helped you see that dating does NOT have to be overwhelming, scary and stressful. In fact, believe it or not, you can actually enjoy the process if you take the time to find out what you REALLY want in a man, sharpen your dating skills and protect your little ones hearts by NOT introducing them to dates until you KNOW this is a serious, potentially permanent relationship. There is so much information I’d love to impart to you to make dating less anxiety filled, so feel free to visit my site anytime and/or check out my books Finding a Man Worth Keeping and The Automatic 2nd Date. ________________________________________________
Victorya Michaels Rogers, Dating Coach, Author The Automatic 2nd Date
For a chance to win a copy of Victorya’s latest book, The Automatic 2nd Date, post your best or worst first date story. Good luck!